The Last Stand: The Deleted Scenes
by Kimmeth
Summary: Well, you should all know what these are by now! A collection of, ahem, amusing outtakes that didn't make the final cut of 'Last Stand'. I hope you enjoy them.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **The characters are not mine, but only I could think of situations quite this ludicrous.

**Note: **Ok, here we are. Enjoy my parting gift to you all.

**The Last Stand: The Deleted Scenes**

**One**

**(From Chapter Eight)**

At the precise moment that Amelia's letter found Enid Nightshade, the young temping-witch was hiding under a table in Fenella and Grizelda's makeshift laboratory, wondering how on Earth she was going to explain the carnage that now reigned supreme in the small room. If it had reached her just a few minutes earlier, it would have found her sitting in her little office next door, wondering how she was supposed to tax register a company that marketed non-drip, non-fade, non-smear magical green stage make-up to the London theatres, giving the most recent performances of Wicked a certain extra magical quality. The product, marketed simply as 'Green', was a runaway success, but a paperwork nightmare.

As it was, Enid had become bored by this particular conundrum and had decided to venture into the laboratory whilst Fenny and Griz had ventured out on yet another donut run – those women seemed to live off the sugary jam-filled eatables. She'd decided to go out that night, and she was wondering if she could whip herself up a new lipstick for the occasion.

Enid had soon found out that adding red to 'Green' does not for lipstick make. She should have known, really, that the inevitable outcome of adding red to 'Green' is 'Brown'. A Brown most definitely worthy of capitalisation.

The other, perhaps slightly less inevitable outcome of adding red to 'Green' was a large and violent explosion, which was why, when Amelia's letter found Enid, she was hiding under a table to avoid the Brown that was now dripping from every available surface. She quickly scanned the note inside the envelope, and she looked at the open window, hope pouring into her heart. This was it, her escape. Fenny and Griz need never know…

Enid cast a spell to summon her broomstick from the other room, and she had just managed to mount it when the door opened and the two entrepreneurial magicians entered their destroyed domain.

"Enid?" Fenny began.

"Erm…" Enid did not even try to begin to explain. "I'll pay for the damage later!" she called over her shoulder as she flew out through the window, narrowly avoiding a particularly globular blob of Brown that was falling from the ceiling…

_**And thanks to NCD's reviews for inspiring the concept of 'Green'…**_


	2. Chapter 2

**The Last Stand: The Deleted Scenes**

**Two**

**(From Chapter Thirteen)**

The first thing that Constance became aware of when she woke was that she was in a horribly familiar red and black room. The second thing that she became aware of was that her head was pounding as if she had several angry dragons dancing a gala performance of 'Riverdance' within her skull. She cast her mind back, trying to remember the events that had led up to her loss of consciousness. She remembered taking tea with the woman from the JHC, and she remembered that the tea had not tasted exactly as tea should taste. It was with a groan that she remembered that the strange taste was in fact the taste of gin. Constance knew from experience that she and gin did not mix very well… She remembered a particularly painful incident from her university days that had ended with her dancing on the table of their local pub with Alison after drinking a little too much of the dread spirit.

Constance groaned as the air in front of her shimmered and the Devil appeared.

"Morning dear!" he exclaimed brightly, and Constance could see that he was holding a plate of croissants in one hand and a pot of jam in the other, and that his bright red tail, peeking out from under his monogrammed black silk dressing gown, was holding a cafetiere. He seemed remarkably jolly compared to Constance's distinctly sub-par state of well-being.

Suddenly, she sat bolt upright, pulling the covers up to her chin, for she had just become aware of a third thing. She was not wearing any clothes.

Constance put two and two together, and looked at the Devil in horror.

"Did we…?" she began, choked. The Devil nodded, beaming.

Constance groaned and buried her face in a pillow.

_**Ahem. Yes, well… Oh come on, it was too good an opportunity to pass up! Oh, blame NCD, she said I should put it up!**_


	3. Chapter 3

**The Last Stand: The Deleted Scenes**

**Three**

**(From Chapter Fifteen)**

Algernon wasted no time with maps on this occasion, instead journeying directly to the humanities building by magic and materialising in a broom cupboard. He peered out from it and cast a furtive look around before removing himself from the little room fully; it would not do to have any inquisitive students or professors asking him precisely what he was doing in the broom cupboard. He extricated his foot from the watering can that it had become lodged in when he had landed and threw it back into the cupboard, not sparing a moment to wonder why such an incongruous item was housed there. He skittered down the corridors, leaping behind pillars whenever he saw someone coming in his direction before realising that the pillars would do nothing to hide his billowing silhouette and that the people who passed him merely saw a strange old man attempting to conceal himself without success. Algernon thought it prudent to press on in case someone saw something suspicious, if wholly unintended in his actions, and he found himself explaining his presence to the police. He picked up the pace of his heavy footsteps until he was positively sprinting down the corridors past the rows of doors, searching in vain for one that showed Gareth's name. Finally he came to a nameplate that read 'Dr G Jones', and he knocked on the door hurriedly, bending double to catch his breath.

The door opened and Algernon burst into his tale of woe before Gareth had even had a chance to say hello. Once he had reached the end, puzzled that Gareth had not made any reaction, Algernon looked up to find that the person he was addressing was most certainly not Gareth.

"You aren't Gareth Jones!" he exploded, pointing an accusatory finger at the woman as if she had been personally responsible for Gareth's removal from the place in which he should rightly be found.

"No," she said, a slightly amused look on her face. "I'm Gillian Jones. Gareth's office is on the floor below."

_**Poor Algernon… I really do punish him far more than strictly necessary… **_


	4. Chapter 4

**The Last Stand: The Deleted Scenes**

**Four**

**(From Chapter Fifteen)**

Algernon dialled the number that Mary had given him, listening to the buzzing at the other end of the line indicating that the phone was ringing. In the time it took Gareth to answer, Algernon was already thinking of the several problems that he would encounter when the younger man picked up. For a start, how was he going to talk about wholly magical concepts in front of the definitely non-magical professor who was standing in the room with him, looking him up and down with disbelieving eyes and no doubt wondering how come her colleague knew such a strangely dressed individual. As the phone continued to ring, so Algernon's panic began to mount. What was he going to do if Gareth didn't pick up? He would simply have to go to Exeter and try to find him, but he was no more familiar with the Southern city as he was with Cardiff.

"Hello Mary?" came a distant voice, the lilting Cardiff accent instantly recognisable as Gareth's.

"Gareth, it's Algernon, you know, Egbert's friend? Well, we've got a bit of an emergency on our hands, Della's gone into labour and…"

"Algernon…" Gareth tried to interrupt but Algernon carried on regardless.

"…and we've got what looks to be the entire JHC lined up outside so only heaven only knows what's going to happen now and you know there' no electric in the castle and…"

"Algernon!"

"…and Constance was kidnapped by the Devil but she's back now and I came to get you but I don't know my way round Cardiff and I had to buy a map and now you aren't even here and…"

"ALGERNON!"

Algernon fell silent as Gareth's voice on the other end of the line finally managed to pervade his perception.

"Yes?" he asked breathlessly.

"Algernon, you're on speakerphone in the middle of a Shakespearean Staging conference."

_**As soon as Algernon got near a phone, I knew I had to have this scene…**_


	5. Chapter 5

**The Last Stand: The Deleted Scenes**

**Five**

**(From Chapter Fifteen)**

Algernon appeared behind a tree on a hill in the middle of the Exeter University campus. He peered around the trunk to ascertain whether there was anyone in the immediate vicinity who would be perturbed by seeing a strangely-dressed man step out from behind a tree, and once establishing that the coast was clear, he went to step out into the sunlight. Before he could do so, however, he was interrupted by a voice near his knees.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you."

Algernon looked down to see a young woman sitting at the base of the tree that he had appeared behind, eating what appeared to be a plastic tub full of potato salad. There was a copy of Faust lying open by her feet , which were encased in the most ridiculously high shoes that Algernon had ever seen. A laptop computer was idling on her lap as she spooned potato salad into her mouth.

"I beg your pardon?" he asked, but he was already on the verge of a facepalm. Trust Algernon to materialise behind the only tree on the entire campus that had a person under it.

"I said I wouldn't do that if I were you. The weather here is unlike anywhere else. It might look nice now, but believe me, it's just fooling you."

Algernon looked down at the girl. She did not seem to be in the least bit disturbed by the sudden appearance of the wizard. She passed him the plastic tub and began to rummage in the voluminous handbag by her side. Algernon had the sneaking feeling that he had seen that bag, or its ilk, somewhere before…

"I know it's in here somewhere, I never travel without it…" she was muttering. "Aha!"

She held out a bright red folding umbrella, much akin to the one that Della had thrown at the Devil earlier. Suddenly, Algernon realised where he knew the bag from.

"There, take that. You'll need it. Good luck, and the Peter Chalk Centre is at the top of the hill."

"I, erm, thank you."

Algernon took the umbrella, and sure enough, as soon as he had stepped out from under the cover of the trees, the heavens opened. He put up the umbrella and began his ascent of the hill, wondering how the girl had known that he was going to the Peter Chalk Centre. As he turned back for a final look at the strange specimen, he noticed the title of the document that she had just brought up on her laptop.

_The Last Stand – The Deleted Scenes… _

_**Shameless self-insertion, but it was too good an opportunity to pass up. Hey, they say write what you know, and I do. Frequently. Chapter Fifteen was a prime example. **_


	6. Chapter 6

**The Last Stand: The Deleted Scenes**

**Six**

**(From Chapter Fifteen)**

Algernon waited inside the broom cupboard impatiently for Gareth to return. He just hoped that they weren't going to be too late and that Gareth would be forgiven for leaving his important conference so early and unexpectedly. These people were usually sympathetic to such plights weren't they?

"Ok," said Gareth, squeezing into the cupboard beside Algernon. "I'm here, let's go."

Algernon waved his staff and tried to make them disappear, but nothing happened. The air shimmered around them slightly, showing that the magic was attempting to work but could not, for whatever reason. Algernon furrowed his brow, something very amiss was going on. He could not think of anything in the immediate vicinity that might be blocking his transportation, so that meant the disturbance was at his proposed destination, somewhere within the castle. Algernon's blood ran cold as he tried again with the same result.

"What's wrong?" Gareth asked, his voice even more worried now than it had been when Algernon had first relayed his news.

"There's something wrong at the castle," Algernon murmured, and he tapped the base of his staff on the ground to see if he could establish a magical connection with which to contact Egbert, a rudimentary wizarding phone. The gem on the top of the staff wobbled precariously with the action.

"Oh crumbs," Algernon muttered, "now the staff's broken…"

It was at that point that the broom cupboard doors opened and Algernon blinked at the sudden light. He turned to find himself face to face with the Chairman of the Shakespearean Staging Conference and his young secretary, who was looking slightly disturbed and holding out Gareth's battered briefcase, which he accepted gratefully.

"Having fun, Jones?" asked the Chairman, raising an eyebrow.

"Erm, I, erm… I'll explain everything when I get back," Gareth finished weakly.

XXX

His eyebrow still at a level higher than previously thought possible, the Chairman closed the cupboard doors again, deciding to give Jones a minute to come up with a suitable excuse before dragging him bodily back to the conference room. As he took a step back to await Jones' reappearance from the cupboard, he heard the following exchange…

"I think I know what the problem might be Gareth! If you could just grab hold of the shaft, I'll wiggle the top bit around…"

_**I am gutterbound and I don't care!**_


	7. Chapter 7

**The Last Stand: The Deleted Scenes**

**Seven**

**(From Chapter Fifteen)**

Algernon and Gareth materialised in the entrance hall just as a piercing scream of pain rang through the castle. There could be no doubt that it had come from Della. The two men began to follow the sound but before they could reach its source, they heard running footsteps coming in the opposite direction, and stopped so as to avoid a head on collision with whoever was careening along the landing. Algernon adjusted his glasses and saw that the figure loping along towards them was Egbert, who was as white as a sheet, his eyes wide with fear.

This reaction, Algernon thought, was somewhat understandable given that his daughter was the one making the pained noises. It would be distressing for any father to hear such screams.

"Algernon?" Egbert asked in disbelief, slowing to a halt as he recognised his friend. "Gareth? How did you get in here?"

"How do you mean?" Algernon asked. "We just… appeared. Shouldn't we have?"

"I…" Egbert opened his mouth as if he was about to explain something, but then he seemed to think better of it and closed it again.

"How's Della?" asked Gareth anxiously. "Where is she?"

"She's in Constance's room," said Egbert weakly. "And she's… loud." He put a hand instinctively to his right ear and winced. Algernon had to suppress a smile; Della was normally a very soft-spoken soul.

Gareth broke away from the wizards and pegged it down the corridor towards his wife.

"Gareth!" Egbert called after him. "Gareth, I really don't think that's a good idea. Della's cursing the entire population with a Y chromosome at the moment…"

But the warning had come too late. Gareth had entered Constance's room. If Algernon had thought that Della's screams of pain had been loud before, it was nothing compared to the volume that her enraged voice now reached.

"GARETH ARCHIBALD JONES, YOU ARE NEVER TOUCHING ME AGAIN! YOU ARE NEVER EVEN GOING TO LOOK AT ME WITH A SUGGESTIVELY RAISED EYEBROW!"

"Egbert," said Algernon, "only your daughter could be so eloquent in such circumstances."

"I know," said Egbert weakly, his expression undecided between fear and awe. "I'm worried about her Algy."

"I know you are. But it will all turn out for the best. She's a strong one Della, she'll get through this."

"It's not that." Egbert looked his friend in the eye. "Gareth's middle name isn't Archibald."

_**Well, what can I say? *Grins.* I've just noticed how many scenes have come from fifteen… I had fun writing that chapter. I promise that this one is the last time we venture into the world of Algernon's mishaps though. **_


	8. Chapter 8

**The Last Stand: The Deleted Scenes**

**Eight**

**(From Chapter Twenty-Four)**

Within seconds, Egbert's body had been entirely consumed by the same soft, miasmic glow that surrounded Isabella and her daughter. It was a sad moment, a poignant one; reminding each of those present that the end of an era had come, the end of a life.

Isabella smiled at Egbert, and the slowness of the absorbing process was shattered as she threw her arms around him in an embrace that had been forbidden to them for twenty-eight years by their separation. Egbert pressed his lips against Isabella's, and in that single moment, Mildred felt that she knew what true love really looked like. She had always known that this moment had come, but she had hoped that it would be a slightly less disturbing image. Whilst Isabella's ghost had been preserved at the point of death and looked no different to the forty-year-old woman who had perished those two decades ago, Egbert had certainly not been so lucky, and the past five years in particular had been overly harsh to his appearance. He looked old enough to be Isabella's mother, but she was still completely lost in their kiss. A major advantage of being a spirit, Mildred thought wryly, was that one never had to come up for air.

"Ok," said Della, whose spirit was fading before their eyes as it found its way to her body, ready to return her to the realm of the living. "I'm going now, so I'm going to say goodbye."

Della's words had no effect on the lovebirds.

"Erm, hi guys, it's your daughter over here, I'm going now and I'm not going to see you again until I die for proper, so I think some sort farewell would be appropriate."

Egbert raised one hand from Isabella's waist and waved distractedly.

"Good God," muttered Della as her spirit vanished completely and only her voice was left. "There's no wonder I came along, is there? Get a bloody room you two!"

_**Egbert needed some loving… He'd waited nearly thirty years for that!**_


	9. Chapter 9

**The Last Stand: The Deleted Scenes**

**Nine**

**(From the Epilogue)**

Constance looked at herself in the mirror, fingering the long white stripe in her hair that had never recovered. She had always said that she would never resort to cosmetic alteration, but perhaps the time really had come to do something about her Mallen streak. She looked at the bottle of potion that Fenella and Grizelda had given her to try, saying something along the lines of 'only one application will be needed'. She gingerly picked up the bottle between finger and thumb and carried it through to the bathroom as if it was going to bite her. Constance did not quite know why she was so nervous of the procedure; indeed, the last time that Fenella and Grizelda had played their part in transforming her, the results had been more than admirable.

There had been something in Fenella's face when she had handed over the bottle that Constance had not quite trusted, however… And the muffled conversation that she had overheard between the two witches after she had left them in the staffroom whilst she went to test the potion…

"_Fen, you can't give her the Brown! We haven't tested it yet!"_

"_If it's anything like Green, it'll be fine!"_

"_Think of all the complaints we had from the make-up girls at the Apollo Victoria when the Green wouldn't come off at the end of the performances? What if something… happens?"_

"_It'll all be fine, Griz!"_

"_Fenny, what if…" _

At this point they seemed to realise that she might be listening in and had spoken in barely audible tones, but Constance had caught the word 'reversible'. This gave her some degree of comfort, and she began to comb a small amount of the potion through her white hair…

XXX

Fenny and Griz were still waiting in the staffroom when Constance returned, and Griz's worst fears were confirmed.

"I told you the effect of mixing the red and the Green might be reversible," she murmured to Fenny.

"Fenella; Grizelda," Constance began in a dangerous voice, "why is my hair now _red and green spotted?_"

_**Personally, I think she would look nice with a green-and-red-polka-dot streak in her hair!**_


	10. Chapter 10

**The Last Stand: The Deleted Scenes**

**Ten**

**Bonus scene that I could not resist**

It would probably be the last time that they all sat around in the staffroom like this, Amelia reflected sadly. It was a squash getting everyone in, but somehow they managed. It would be the last time that she would sit in her chair and look over her colleagues, allies, and most importantly, her friends. She looked at each of the gathered group in turn – Davina, Imogen and Lavinia, gathered in the corner closest to the cupboard in case Davina felt the need for a quick retreat should the former headmistress's farewell speech prove too much for her. Constance was sat in her usual chair, looking even paler than usual. Amelia wondered if it was the streak, distorting her perception. Mildred and Maud were sitting at the table, with Enid sharing Maud's chair and looking rather precariously balanced. At the other end of the table, Algernon sat with Gareth, Della and Carys, although all that could be seen of the baby was a pink nose, her mother having wrapped her up in enough woolly blankets to clothe the sheep of southern Wales for the next three years.

"My friends," Amelia began, but she was interrupted by the sound of someone blowing their nose violently and continuing to sniffle. A quick look around told her that it was not any of the party in the staffroom. A few bawled cries later, and Amelia came to the conclusion that the sound was coming from under the table. Cautiously, she bent down and lifted the cloth.

A horribly familiar young woman was sitting under the table, her eyes red and her nose streaming, surrounding by tissues.

"Are you alright my dear?" Amelia asked, alarmed.

"IT'S SO SAD!" the woman moaned. "IT'S THE END! I'VE FINALLY COME TO THE END!"

Amelia realised where she recognised the face, red and puffy as it was. This was the face of Kimmeth. This was a face that foretold doom.

"IT'S THE END!" she cried again, but then she seemed to come to her senses. "Ah, yes, hello there, sorry about that. Just got a bit nostalgic, you know? Well, I'd best be getting on. I've got white rabbits to chase and Greek gods to clothe and a whole host of other things I should be getting on with." She stood up, banging her head on the table. "Ouch."

Amelia helped her out from under the table.

"So," she ventured. "It's really over then? All this Devil-mullarkey?"

Kimmeth nodded.

"Yes, it's over. I'll leave you to your own devices now, let you get on and lead normal lives. But before I go, I have a parting gift for you, Constance."

Constance raised an eyebrow as Kimmeth hauled her voluminous handbag out from under the table and rummaged in it.

"I know it's here somewhere… Maybe not…"

She grabbed Della's bag and began rifling through it.

"If it's not in mine it must be in yours, we've everything save the kitchen sink between us. Aha!"

Kimmeth swung her bag onto her shoulder and made to leave the room. As she passed Constance, she held up the thing she had fished from Della's bag.

"Croissant?"

Any colour that was left in the new head's face left it. Then, after a moment of stillness, she turned beetroot red and grabbed the offending breakfast pastry, sending it into flames as she did so. Kimmeth shrugged and waved her goodbyes before leaving them staring at Constance.

"Constance," began Amelia, "is there something you'd like to share with us?"

_**And with that, I really do bid you all adieu. It has been a blast, and I hope you've enjoyed this final offering. **_


End file.
